News

This Monday will be known as 'Speech Day'

After a full working week in the cryptography lab at Wetherspoon's H.Q. Monday's notes have been deciphered and are presented here, for your consideration. First, a summary of the night and also what happened after the notes became completely indecipherable, then the notes themselves, followed by the memorable speeches.

At least four new faces and a toast to absent friends make it a week of change; with the first taste of Autumn in the air this feels appropriate.

KARAOKE at the KASBAH saw Falex plumb his sensitive depths as he crooned magnificently through a Bonny Tyler song. All were swooning. Mole blew the regulars away with a powerful rendition of 'All Along The Watchtower', McCrizzle posing by his side. It was even dark enough for some girls, evidently impressed by our karaoke skills, to dance with us; it got a bit hot'n'heavy on the dancefloor. Award for 'Monday's Most Desperate Girls' goes to them. In short, Karaoke at The Kasbah was a winner, but only for the true Monday.

Now for the notes, fragmented and incoherent as they are.

Spackman and Beca return triumphant from New Zealand.

His summary of trip: "Cold weather, hot lake --sweating buckets...body shots off of men...we were all sleeping with each other after ten minutes..."

Beca on Kiwi-STDs: "Not in the rainforest! It's ind-ige-nous..."

Michelle 'thankfully-not-on-facebook' Marsi: "Zider gives me zystitis."

[Different handwriting] --Ben being annoying, not happy with attendance. Spax'n'Jon swap world travel stories. Spackman being inbread [sic] spotting in NZ. News kicks in about 10:00 'Peart'. Ryan brings brings to Monday Club. There is nothing like being observant in life.

Alison regales us with tales from the North, of politics and rugby, of the soul casino scene, of true grit and administrative excellence.


SPEECHES NOW

SPAX: "All I learnt from the travels is that Monday provides good cheap beer, and friendship."

BECA: "Monday Club means to me -- a story of true acceptance, whether you are a hawk vaj, a sausage links..."

AMY: "Monday makes me lick faces."

HALL: "You are my church. Why I would walk I don't know, the bus costs a lot of money. MONDAY."

MOLE: "Folklore ordained by the gods of Monday --Men met spontaneously and had many beers, and saw that it was good."

LUKE: "My fellow true Monday Clubbers, there have been many ups but no downs. Luv luv luv & Monday."

BeNP: "I feel I need to lean...Wray & Nephew. Sambuca. Vodka. Knob Creek. Baileys. Worcester Sauce (if you are unlucky). And, of course, if Falex is involved, an arse pube. It was pretty brown, like my four weeks in Tanzania..."

DOGGY B: "Without Monday my life would not be as complete as it otherwise is."

IBM: God Bless Natwest (?)

McCRIZZLE: "This is the only way you can drink on a Monday without being considered an alcomaholic."

BUNDY: "I love Monday Club because I am a racist." (Don't worry Bundy it's not racist if you live in Purton)

BUNDY'S frenz: "45 minutes in...we love Monday Club!"

ALI: "You are all very nice."

HARDY's GIRLFRIEND constructed an equation in lieu of a speech: Savoy (members + veterans) + food x alcohol - any sense/love = Monday Club [note: by '/' I mean divided by, not 'or']

FALEX: (rapping) "Met, Reading, God rest Savlar's soul, really a Monday? Spiked Ben's with a pube and it just grew from there. Racism. Nazism. Spax sausage links. Martin and walks in Freshbrook. Experience? Arrest. Beer & a burger." (the notes don't do justice to his wit and wisdom)

HARDY (thank you Matt for giving your speech on paper):

"What Monday Club Means to Me by Matt Hardy, Aged 22.75, Straight Outta Freshbrook. Bob Geldof once said "I don't like Mondays." What a cock. Anyone that doesn't like meeting with good friends and socialising the night away deserves to be as devoid of humour as he is. Monday Club has transcended this place, this space, these physical bodies and is now a state of mind. At Monday Club you are free. Free to eat, drink and be merry. Free to take in-jokes like BeNP's racism too far and drag them out too long. And more importantly free to smell like Doggy B-iscuits. I love Mondays. It's so engrained in our minds we hardly need to say "club" anymore. It's become at least a seventh (or 14.28571%) of my life. Monday Club is far-reaching, reaching nearly every continent on the planet within the last few weeks alone. And I'd like to take this chance to raise a glass to our fellow Monday Clubbers who are strewn across the globe as we speak:

--Lee

--Guy

--Chris

--BeNP. He came back.

I'll end my talk by going back to the title of this speech, "what DOES Monday Club mean to me?" My simple answer?

It means friendship.
It means laughter.
It means a lot more than I realised before writing this.

Let us never stop, I love Monday Club."

Oinos kai aletheia

NEWS?

OK I am just going to copy this because it deleted my prevyuz thing.

Guy's Femme-nine feline behin the bar. Bundy's new hip-hop Jungle Book, "walk like a motherfucking Egyptian". Bundy closes her ear-flaps to the disgruntled truth about Walt "a friend to all children" Disney. Ben BNP Peart Shat on top of Killimanjaro. He looked ill and we discussed trilogies. Bundy is really called Floriadh, and we respect her for it, even though she is not Irish. Reggae Reggae Cabbie. Jambalya on the bayou eh hecho en mexico. Bundy's rosy cheeks reflect her inner torment and our passion/ Cillit Bang! Lucy's Big Day! Lager, Wray & Nephews', Malibu, Morgan Spiced Rum (taste of drumsticks), Bombay Sapphire, Blue WKD...) ZEUS SAYS JUST SAY NO, the sexual revolution never happened. Pottery Lucy? Lucy "queer as" Foakes. The Foakes Process. --Head of all arty-fartyness. FOLK STATE.

NEWS

The simmer is building around Guy's emigration, thoughts are of a Mexican theme for next week with potential Tequila-based repercussions.

Also for next week: SECRET SANTA prep.

The 'Blue Monday' theme was suavely acknowledged. Muted clothing kept spirits smooth.

This atypical aura of sophistication was enhanced by the proliferation of BOW. Can we see, in BOWG, some grey future steadily creeping towards us?

Nathan reveals his barbarous ancestry by not adhering to the measurements specified on the GOW.

Wine soaked salivations dappled the sticky table-top as we meditated on MILF, following Bundy's diaphragm expansion technique. The conclusion was that life is made of carbon, which is a German beer (?), and that the unfilmed episodes of the Star Wars space opera are more interesting than sex. This is why Buddhists go bald.

The unspoken fantasy provoked by Martin's continental adventures was a Monday Club opera trip. As long as it is not to Evita because the Argies have it in for us.

"Don't cry for me, Mexico"

Bundy, in her role as landscape artist, lays down detailed plans for the conversion of Britain's beaches from irritating sand and salt water to luxurious grass and concrete. "Even mud is better than sand" --one of her many pearls of wisdom.

"Bundy rhymes with Munday" --less pearly wisdom.

PIMM'S O'CLOCK was triumphantly announced by Chris Ashbolt. Refreshment abounded.

Sean Haines is considered for "Monday's Whitest Man", or "Squarest Honky on The Block". Then we realised he is probably one of the least white people at Monday Club, which bodes ill for the rest of us.

Old Rosie remains the supreme drink of Monday.

There was more but, for now, the rest is silence...dirty silence.

NEWS

-2 HATS MONDAY IS A RESOUNDING SUCCESS: 100% of attendees bring two pieces of headgear and it was wonderful. Although Guy did bitch at one point because it was VERY WARM in the Savoy.

-The evening was brought to a musical beginning with Guy's rendition of the Hokey Kokey in Spanish and Falex's Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes in French

-Doggy B informs that he has MYSTERY NEWS to be revealed later in the night.

-As previously mentioned, it was VERY WARM in the Savoy so MONDAY CLUB MOVED OUTSIDE.

-Rizzle McCrizzle takes over the news:

Doggy B wears all the hats wich gives him nicotine cravings. THUS hats are deadly.

Bundy's kids gave her chocolate, Bundy gave Monday Chocolate. Mole: "God Bless Bundy's kids"

The decided order on Miniture Heroes is as follows:
Dairy Milk
Twirl
Twisted Sister (?)
Caramel Bunny Supreme
Chocolate Eclairs
Fudge
Bourneville

Not all were in agreement.
Is Bourneville truly dark?
Is Bundy just racist

Alton Towers has progressed a lot over the years but Thorpe Park has the most Loops

Are Ghosts real? They certainly make Guy cry. Mole proposes a control group test on a haunted house to find out FOR CERTAIN.

Falex, never one to beat around the bush, talks of the inconvenient rapey truth involved in Bernard's Watch. IF A TREE FALLS IN THE WOODS DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?

Martin Hall is a Dutch Mountie

The Gospel according to Bundy:
One must ALWAYS suck a twirl and Suck tea through a chocolate wafer

Doggy B MUST be an assistance dog or they wouldn't let hi into the savoy

END OF PART ONE

NEWS

-Sleepytime Monday! Everyone seemed to be rather tired and some pussies even left early.

-Monday Field Trip? Possibly Isambard Kingdom themed or a night walk around Clifton Suspension Bridge.

-Martin Hall sends his apologies, a first really.

- Doggy B gets BATTERED. He was SO DRUNK.

-Likenesses between a certain Monday couple and Miss Piggy and Kermit were pointed out. See if you can guess who??

-BOWG finds a date! A lady comes over and talks to him about books for a while. Get in there my son.

-LUCY BRINGS AN AMAZING MAZE WHICH KEPT PEOPLE ENTHRALLED FOR A LONG TIME.

-Guy leaves early so the news is short.

--------TWO HAT MONDAY NEXT WEEK---------
-------------BRING TWO HATS----------------
----------------NEXT WEEK------------------

NEWS

It was Storytime Monday! With Falex taking the role of chief storyteller of the evening.

BOWG (briefly) finds a friend

Spackman's Nicknames:
*Ryan "Sauage Links" Spackman*
*Ryan "Mysteron" Spackman*
*Ryan "Rapey-Fingers" Spackman*

Martin Hall has an enforced SKETHROG

Matt sets Guy Up

Beca offers up her slot

BeNP's fashion tip of the week: Black is slimming

HOPE.

Falex's stories finished with him raping Luke at Reading apparently.

Lee RunsUpham

Slaps got slipped reversed (which was awkward)

Rafa hates his job/life and makes this evident by complaining about it to Guy

You Lucky!

Beca has a boozy Shine.

MONDAY CLUB RECOMMENDS: Watch 'Hercules in new York' where Arnie wrestles a bear/Craig Spence.

"History: Mole owns the fact that the privilege that Spackman missed the mandatory lecture"
****NOTE: THIS WAS A DIRECT QUOTE****

Marmite is NOT kosher

Mean is funny

Beca Brown: "You've only felt the fingers!"

Mole says he will not shave his beard from the 20th august (when Guy leaves) until Guy gets back.

FALEX PENNY CHALLENGE WAS PASSED AND THE ENNY WILL BE A NECKLACE SOON...

NEWS